Validate me, please!

This story was originally published in The Highlight, Vox’s member-exclusive magazine. To get early access to member-exclusive stories every month, join the Vox Membership program today. At this particular moment, I’m feeling a little bad about myself. This profession I’ve chosen — and really, this life that I lead — relies so heavily on attention and metrics and reposts and “HAHA” reacts that I often feel like a dog doing their best tricks waiting for a treat. I could take this bad feeling and deconstruct it, rationalize away my insecurities with proof that I’m doing just fine in life. Or I could post a selfie to Instagram Stories and hope for a few heart emojis. The latter option is almost always more satisfying. Maybe you can relate. As a social species, we humans have a tendency to look to others for approval; a word of praise or a pat on the shoulder is a sign of acceptance or a job well done. This acknowledgment scratches one of the most universal, fundamental itches: the need for belonging. “We wouldn’t have survived as a species except for the fact we had tight bonds and lived in groups,” says Mark Leary, professor emeritus of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University. “We couldn’t have survived living by ourselves out of the woods somewhere.” Even in modern society, people need to feel valued, accepted, and recognized by others, according to Leary. Validation does just that: It’s the corroboration of someone’s existence, that their feelings and behaviors are real and normal, and research suggests it helps minimize negative emotions. So while it’s understandable and expected to crave a bit of validation — it’s a sign you matter — that natural urge can warp into near-obsession, thanks, in part, to a culture that values validation as currency. When likes and follower counts offer a quantifiable measure of your worthiness, all of life’s milestones — good and bad — become bids for affirmation. A lack of positive acknowledgment may make it seem as if your accomplishments don’t matter; without a stamp of approval, you might question your every move. “In our modern-day world, that basic desire to be part of a group, to be in a relationship, to have social connections has been hijacked by these surface ways of feeling that connection. [It’s measured] by how many likes do I get or how many followers do I have or what’s the feedback I’m gonna get from my boss,” says Lora Park, a psychology professor at the University of Buffalo. “That gives us that rush of positive emotions, especially pride and feeling pleased and worthwhile and valuable, but quickly fades.” Of course, external affirmation is nice every once in a while, but a steady flow of compliments and acknowledgments is hardly realistic or beneficial to your sense of self. What is far more nourishing than the sugar high of validation is an internal process of recognizing your own worthiness. Feeling seen and appreciated Instead of wandering through life with no concept of how you are perceived, validation provides context that you are a worthwhile person, and that others can see your true value. Generally, people are not accurate judges of their own character — we have too many biases and often consider our abilities and personalities as superior to others. Because of this, the feedback received from others helps shape our self-perception. If you’re uncertain about your standing in relationships, validation clears up the ambiguity. In turn, the more positive, affirming comments you get, the better you feel. Validation is the confirmation that you are smart enough, beautiful enough, kind enough, funny enough. There is a limit, however, to validation’s positive payoff. Sure, getting a compliment warms the soul, but if you’re already feeling sufficiently valued and appreciated, additional validation doesn’t result in extra delight, according to James Hillman, a postdoctoral research fellow at the Ohio State University. “The research seems to show that for validation specifically,” he says, “once we reach this level of satiation where we feel like we have enough … it doesn’t feel any better, typically.” That’s why those who are secure with themselves aren’t typically fishing for compliments. It’s people with low self-esteem, anxious attachment style — marked by a constant fear of rejection — and those who base their self-worth on what others think of them who crave lots of validation. “People with low self-esteem also constantly have doubts and question fundamentally do I belong? Am I accepted by others?” Park says. “Whereas people with high self-esteem and secure attachment styles, people who don’t base their self-worth on others’ approval, they don’t go through the world worrying so much about what other people think.” But craving affirmation shouldn’t be perceived as a moral failure. Instead, it’s a sign of invalidation in some aspect of life. “We generally don’t want constant validation,” Hillman says. “We want validation that offsets the invalidation that we’ve experienced.” Someone who seeks frequent online attention may, for instance, lack a stable source of social support offline. That positive recognition is the carrot perpetually in arm’s reach, the thing that will finally make up for a lifetime of feeling disconnected. The validation doom cycle If the need to belong is a fundamental human drive, so too is the tendency to compare oneself to others. Social media, of course, not only makes it easier than ever to juxtapose your life to others’, but creates an avenue you can return to again and again to quell insecurities that social media may have prompted in the first place. Feeds populated with images of extensive home renovations, flawless, made-up faces, and expertly prepared meals may reinforce the falsehood that everyone has, in some way, succeeded in all the areas where you fall short. All the while, you may fail to realize these posts are largely smoke and mirrors designed to show an idealized, unattainable version of life. In an effort to receive some confirmation that you do measure up, you could always just share an image of your own home, or face, or dinner with the perfect lighting and angles and revel in the euphoria as the likes and comments roll in. Once you learn positive reinforcement is just a post away, the more alluring the cycle becomes. But the good feelings are short-lived: You can get used to constant positive feedback, Park says. “It could be beneficial in the short term,” she says, “but I would argue that in the long term, it has costs in instability of self-esteem and preoccupation with the self to the detriment of relationships.” And thus the loop continues: The more you crave affirmation for your looks, your personality, your likability, the more you seek it out, the more you become the dog waiting for the treat. But if your self-esteem is reliant on whether you receive recognition, you risk becoming motivated only by self-serving goals — likes, comments, reposts. This applies to your offline life too: If you find yourself constantly seeking reminders of your worth, the more likely you are to be let down. Your boss may find it grating to constantly confirm that you are, in fact, doing a good job, and your best friend may not take the bait and push back against you every time you critique your appearance. When these bids for validation aren’t met, you may end up feeling worse. But the pleasure of validation is so intoxicating, so full of promise, it can be difficult to break out of the spiral. Even if you’re satisfied with your social network, professional accomplishments, or hobbies, you may always be on the lookout for more ways to be valued, Leary says. You might think “the next person you impress may provide some benefit that you don’t have right now,” he says. “They might offer you a job, or they might invite you into a club that you’re not a member of. So even though you have a full plate at the moment, there’s always a possibility that that next piece of validation is going to carry a social reward.” A consequence of an over-reliance on validation is a lack of a sense of self. If you’ve looked to others for reassurance that you’re doing the “right” things, you may lose sight of your own goals, joys, and motivations. “People come to me all the time and will say, ‘I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I like,’” says Melody Wilding, an executive and leadership coach, “because they have spent so much time focused on seeking other people’s approval and validation and their needs that they really don’t have a developed sense of self that exists separate from what other people want.” How you can learn to validate yourself Getting off the merry-go-round of validation comes easier for some than others, says Janice Kuo, a professor of psychology at Palo Alto University. Those who grew up in a supportive environment where their emotions weren’t minimized may be more naturally inclined to self-validate, Kuo continues. Validating yourself can be as simple as recognizing that your experience of overwhelm and stress at work isn’t unique to you — many other people feel similarly at their jobs. Reminding yourself you’re not alone or weird in your thoughts and actions is effective self-validation. But should you yearn for recognition, Leary, the professor emeritus at Duke, suggests looking inward: Do you really have fewer friends than everyone you know or does it just feel that way now? “If you analyze it carefully,” he says, “sometimes I think people can say, ‘I’m doing fine. Do I have the perfect social connection with other people? No, I don’t. Nobody does, but I’m doing fine.’ Sometimes, though, it will alert the person to something that is a deficiency, something that they can work on.” Notice what motivates your desire for validation, says Park, the University of Buffalo professor. Maybe you’re nervous about what your colleagues will think of a work presentation or you want to post a selfie for a boost in self-esteem. Try shifting your attention to another goal, like what skills you can learn in the process of preparing the presentation or how you can leverage social media to meaningfully connect with others. It’s also important to remember that it’s possible to excel at your job without receiving an award, to feel confident without a compliment. “What you realize is, only a small fraction of the people out there who are benefiting from what you do, whether you sell cars or you write books or you’re a doctor,” Leary says, “ever acknowledge [it].” External validation is just that: surface level. The call needs to come from inside the house. To do so, to avoid wanting others’ approval, Park says, you need to feel autonomous, competent, and in relation to others. These three needs — autonomy, competence, and relatedness — encompass self-determination theory, which posits that people are more motivated when they feel they have ownership over their lives, mastery of skills, and deep relationships. Quenching these psychological desires is an internal process, Park says, and isn’t fulfilled by external validation. Instead of feeling stressed and pressured, you can make daily choices as small as relishing quiet time with a book — any activity, really, that doesn’t feel obligatory or a to-do list item — to exercise autonomy. True competence comes from continually learning and honing skills, not from positive evaluations from others. Spend as much time in person with family and friends and avoid technologically mediated relationships as a first line of defense to achieve relatedness. “Interestingly, self-esteem is not one of those three basic [motivational] needs,” Park says. “Self-esteem is in that framework as more of a byproduct. So if you’ve met your needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness, then you will probably have higher self-esteem.” If there’s any consolation to the conundrum of validation, it’s often the most common (and perhaps cliched) advice: Feeling good about yourself comes from within — not from an Instagram like or a positive performance review. But it’s okay to want those things, too. Even if you’re especially self-assured, everyone needs a little acknowledgment that they’re doing the best they can.

This moment demands more than headlines

Validate me, please!